THE LAST POST

i'm out.

there's supposed to be freedom
but reality is always never the way its supposed to be

when i have to censor what i say on this because of some people,
there's really not much point in writing.

i'll find some other way.

bye.

a way out

trying to find a way out.

somehow everybody's got a way out. transfering to another uni, or just taking the associate degree and just RUNNING.

i want to do that to.

maybe tomorrow, i'll have courage

school is busy.
i somewhat have a life.

i hope i can find something

judgement.

kristy was telling me on sunday that there was a video of 2 ACJC girls going at it in the school toilet. apparently her boyfriend was trying to locate the video.

I wondered how long it would take straits times to publish the story... i just read it and its currently the most popular article on the straits times website.

The media doesn't really give schools like the ACS family or MGS and other 'elite' schools a break. seriously, if this was from Millenia Institute or some other lower ranking JC, i highly doubt the story would be published. And then there's the 'inappropriate behaviour' complaint from a teacher in ACS article. Really Straits Times? its newsworthy?

I recently went for a job interview with a hospitality company in Singapore. Never mind my almost finishing a degree in hospitality[1 year left!!!!], never mind my trinity cert. One of the first things the interviewer asked was 'you're an MG girl ah?'

[face palm]. really?

And when going for our O level oral exam, teachers warned us that examiners' expectations would be higher because of the school's repuation.

Maybe its somewhat a compliment. that people expect more out of you purely because of the school that you come from. but its also a form of judgement. thank goodness in Australia, i've managed to escape that somewhat. but then i have to face another form of judgement altogether: being Asian.

I guess you can't escape being labelled and people treating you differently purely because of your heritage, your culture, your skin colour or your country of origin. but you can certaintly try to prove people wrong (in a good way) and surprise people.

Ah well. back to doing my business plan and doing bLaw.

2 more months till christmas!
3 more months to CNY'11.
i cannot wait >< !!!

time turner

"i like her because she sings to me. but mostly because i sing to her."

Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Vanilla Twilight
-Owl City

I saw this on ebay, i think it would make a damn nice necklace, albiet a REALLY expensive one. I mean, really, how many people can say they own a TIME TURNER? yeah, from harry potter. WOOHOO.

So i traced it down to the original wesite that sells it( The Noble Collection):
This is the $49 version:

this is the $125 version(s): [Gold and Sterling silver]

being a student of very little money, i hunted down and bought this $15 version:

LIFE SUCKS. but i’m still happy-ish. at least i have something to put on my christmas list. 2 and a bit more months till christmas!!! XD

closer

there are certain people on this planet worth knowing

and considering them as friends.

they don't have to know you inside out
to provide you with strength

neither do they have to have similar interests
to offer their opinion

but just knowing that they care for you as you do for them

can be just enough to sustain you when you really need it.

cold turkey

i'm shivering
craving for it
it fucking hurts.

i'm nearly at the point where i'll do anything to get it.
nearly.

nobody told me quitting would be this hard

what do I do now?

life question i've only been able to answer recently:
what to do with a breakup?

for centuries, (at the risk of sounding cheesy) a broken heart has inspired many achievements, works and wonders. there's the taj mahal, built in memory of an emperor's wife. there's the hundreds of girls and guys dieting and working out to prove that they're doing better than ever before. there's some of the best music albums produced after a breakup or a divorce. i'm sure there's lots more examples, books, paintings, etc.

so, what do I do now?

logically speaking, as a writer, this should be one of the best times to write. All the emotions waiting to overflow onto paper and into words. but if i were to write something now, it will probably sound like a mixture of pop song choruses. so i refrain.

i know of a musician who purposely makes herself miserable in order to compose something beautiful. the irony. it is so much more interesting when a work is twistingly tormented rather than sunshine and rainbows.

to be honest though, all i feel like doing is curling up in bed and sleeping. in my sleep, i do not feel pain, i don't have to remember that i cannot have the person i want. in my sleep, it is mostly dreamless. but then there's that moment before i wake up, that few seconds that reality seeps into your brain.

then everything returns.

so then I get up and think
what do I do now?

back. again.

back from my september hols trip!
3rd day of uni today and i've already got a serious list of stuff to do. not fun.

the trip was ok. it was nice sightseeing but it really drained me to race across the bloody country.

will post the photos and post when i have free time (not any time soon)

yay yay yay

IMMA HAPPY PERSON.

XD

in SG now, with highlighted hair(thank you mummy!) and a full tummy. :D

exams are over, and i went to melbourne to visit the elginians+frequent visitors. thank you guys so much for the food and esp to melody for letting me stay at verve! <3 you're a really good hostess & cook!

got alot of things to do in sg but i'm happy doing them
YAY

will most likely post a few photos after i come back from rome & london. :D

so near yet so far

disconnect

hurts like shit.

so fucking painful
for once
i want to allow myself

to be weak

to just let myself be human

and cry
and just be properly miserable
wallow in self pity and chocolate

but there's studying to be done
and exams to be taken

so.
i have to stay sane
and strong

letting go

the most common grip kids have with their parents is that
they don't realise we're growing up

of course when a 10 year old says that mournfully to your face, the intial reaction is to supress a laugh then go on to kindly explain that parents need time.

but when a bunch of 20 years olds gather round a table and compete for the title of 'the one with the most smothering mother/strictest father' with increasingly funnier ancedotes, it gets you to wonder.

parents are our... well, parents. they mother you, they parent you, and certainly scold the crap out of you. but they have as much to learn as we do.

and the struggle is always that parents don't seem to realise we've grown up. They certainly expect the most out of you, they trust that you are big enough to do the small things on your own. they expect you to maintain your grades, to make your bed and do your laundry and survive. but when it comes to realising that the 20 year old kid is no longer that cute little thing that always depended on them, their brain shuts down.
like its the biggest denial they will ever trick themselves into.

but that's not my point.
my point is that for 20 years, we're essentially parasites, feeding off their bank accounts and destroying any chance they have at being cool. but somehow they love us even more. like stockholm's syndrome or something.
and suddenly within a span of a few months, they are expected to tell the kids to trot off and don't bother us.
its hard, we know. to allow us to do that is one thing, to believe that they should do that is another.
so in recognition of that, for allowing me to trot off to another continent and survive calling me once a week, thank you mum & dad.

thanks for allowing me to live my life.
thanks for letting me go and realising that i'm 19 years old and therefore should not be treated like a 9 year old.
thanks to dad for slipping me an extra $100 before i go off so that i have the cash to go buy supper.
thanks to mum for spoiling me like crap when i come back to sg
thanks for allowing me to make my own choices. even if you don't support it, you still say you do (i know mum's still secretly hoping that i'll go into commerce.)

so... mum, can my curfew be extended?
i've got to be the only 2nd year uni student with a 11 pm curfew in singapore.
come on...
please?

ROYAL FLUSH

ONE OF MY LIFE GOALS IS COMPLETE!!!

i got a high royal flush ><

A, K, Q, J, 10 and in a heart suite :D

although it was during 3 person taidi (with Nat and Dan, trying to study for marketing) i'm still happy!

next goal: 2, A, K, Q, J. IN SPADES!!!

inception

i just realised something about Inception

The scene when Ariadne & Arthur kissed.

quick give me a kiss
they're still looking
yeah, it was worth a shot

the double meaning behind 'it was worth a shot'. like the kiss as a distraction and to get ariadne interested ><

I LOVE FIGURING STUFF LIKE THIS OUT

university

You know how they try to advertise University as a place of vibrant learning, of meeting new people from different countries, of a place that accepts you as you are?

BULLSHIT.

it is a place that is interested in one thing, and one thing only
MONEY

they squeeze money out of domestic students & the government, while squeezing even more out of international students and donors. They do not care about your welfare unless you are protesting for it, which may hurt the reputation and therefore may hurt the $$$.

i just got informed by accounts that I am being charged $733 for a 2 day course in 'contemporary leadership'. WTF.
i wonder what they will teach us that THE PAST 3 COURSES OF VARIOUS 'LEADERSHIP' SHIT COULDN'T?!?!?!?!

bloody hell, i'm getting a headache thinking about it.

and the shit about meeting different people from different countries? how well can you know someone that doesn't speak english well? people in an unfamiliar situation will naturally cling on to what's familiar. eg overseas students in another country will naturally make friends with people from their country/speak the same language.

i have learnt cantonese and my mandarin has improved since i came to ozzie. in contrast, i still can't master the aussie way of saying G'day mate.

its not being racist. people will, by instinct, try to find familiarity in strange surroundings.

as for being a place that accepts your quirks.
yeah, right. people will still gossip and label you weird or a nerd or a blonde or something and that's the way its going to be for the rest of your life.

disillusioned much?

back to studying.

i love swotvac. so fun.

soft boiled eggs

after my stomach rumbled for the fifth time in an hour, i gave up trying to resist.

all i have in my room is indomie, sweets, chocolate and 3 eggs.

but thankfully for me, my tastebuds were craving soft boiled eggs!

so i googled how to make those runny soft boiled eggs that is absolute <3
and apparently you just have to boil it for exactly 3 mins and dunk it in cold water after.

NOT SO SIMPLE.
its soft boiled egg alright but its different, the yolk is too raw for my liking and the egg white alternates between clumpy and transparent.

apparently in ya kun, they are kept in water at 70-ish degrees to cook.

the perfection...
anyway
i settled for some ice cream
can't go wrong with that.

perks of hotels ^^

i absolutely love my friends who work in hotels

since i'm too lazy to get off my bum and find a job in a hotel,

i get the side perks

wenhao has brought me like 10 issues of newsweek & time. NICE NEW ONES :D

and bell got me a magazine(which had a review of tetsuya's!!!!) and let me look at the employee's rates at the hotel she works at :D
which is really kewl.

the other time i met johannes and kimmy, who were staying at the hotel johannes was working at. and we were waited on hand and foot at the lounge. free peanuts too :D

the interesting stories is what i'm in this industry for.

a few people had celebs staying at their hotels during their industry training.

according to james, m.c. hammer is really nice. which according to him, is really weird considering he has HUGE bodyguards and probably doesn't need to be nice. but he is. and that's always nice to know.

and a guest speaker told us about the time a celeb, *name shall be protected* , stayed there and asked for a really exotic type of sausage.
problem? it was 4 am in london.
ENTER: THE concierge(they are the bomb. the really good ones can get you anything. ANYTHING. anytime. seriously. our lecturer was telling us that they could probably get you tickets to a sold out concert. IF you're willing to pay)
anyway. the concierge had to call this butcher to open his shop.
which was halfway across london.
so the guest speaker had to drive there
come back
with the sausages
and ask the chef to cook it.

you would think huge tip like $100

nope. a 'thank you!' *closes door*

its amazing the stories that come. there's so many of them. i wish i could properly express them in some humorous witty way like matt preston or anthony bourdain's kitchen confidential

but i'm just a waitress who blogs.

relief

I CAN FINALLY BREATHE.

assignments are mostly over! with the exception of marketing...

and final exams are about to start

it feels good :D

time to start cleaning up my room
and prepare for the final battle
><

GPA of 3.8 here i come

sometimes.

sometimes,

when you need strength, you try to find it in various places
if taking a break and surfing the net doesn't help,

then there's talking to friends online. and if that doesn't work,
listen to music and zone out for awhile or a nap. but if you still can't

there's calling a friend. or a few. and just talk to them
but then you find yourself still worn out.

and then your best friends and family. they make you laugh for awhile, smile. wish you were home. and the thought of 20 more days till you're home!

but it seems today, no one gets you. your weariness.
and you look inside yourself and all you see is a well
of blackness. of darkness. an empty well. and you know you're nearly rock bottom.

you've been there before. and its so tempting to let yourself slide to that deep dark place, so easy. to just give up.

then there's nothing to do

but to fall to your knees
and turn to God. and seek solace in him.

and hopefully find in him what you've needed. strength. courage. a fighting chance
but when you've finished praying.
open your eyes. and stare at the four walls that surround you

you still miss what you've been trying so hard to ignore
and you know your source of strength is gone.

that realisation is just enough to push you over the edge,

down
down
down
that dark hole.